Join us as we journey deep into the Neon Gutter and stay at the hotels you’ve been curious about, but not curious enough to stay there. We’re talking about the Weird Stays, the hotels you see in booking engines or as you criss-cross the Vegas Valley and ask yourself, “Who the hell stays there?”
The answer is us. We do the Weird Stays. Check out our last episode to learn the highly scientific method we used to select the five hotels where we rested (or tried to rest) our heads on this trip. One’s a hidden gem, one is way too fancy for the likes of us, and the other three are, well, um, weird in other ways.
We ended up at the following joints on this stay. Click on the links to jump to the pictures of our experiences.
Know someplace weird in Vegas you want to subject us to? Tell us about it. Call our Stinkline at (775) 400-2941. Randy Shandis is standing by! Leave your mailing address to get a Neon Gutter poker chip, sticker, and an authentic $100 entry into Bob Stupak’s Vegas World Daily Slot Tournament.
Ahern Hotel
The blood! The blood! That red glass exterior bathes Ahern guests in crimson light all day long.
The Ahern’s red glass exterior leaves guests always wondering if there is a fire somewhere.
Rumor has it that the Ahern Hotel will be adding slot machines to its first floor. If you’re a fan of construction, go soon.
Toiletries at the Ahern are plentiful, including a vanity kit, shaving kit, shower cap, and the motherlode! A sewing kit.
The Ahern’s All American Cafe has some patriotic art, decent breakfasts, and not a lot of customers.
The Downtowner has thankfully preserved its cool neon sign.
The small room at the Downtowner had fake grass on the wall, a small TV, and the usual hotel amenities. Note that the hotel is so old that its solid walls don’t allow for rerouting wiring, and so they are mounted externally.
The modest but decent bedding at the Downtowner, and a noisy air conditioner.
The simple and small bathroom at the Downtowner welcomes you to get clean, but not to lounge. Not when there are six exciting mini golf holes waiting for you.
The courtyard of the Downtowner has six mini golf holes, which Burt played through eight times.
The Downtowner’s pool is small, but clean and deep enough to swim in. It also doesn’t have the impossible-to-follow rules demanded by the Serene’s pool.
Serene “Boutique” Hotel
The Serene’s front door had been shattered a couple weeks before our visit and still awaited repairs. The appended note takes care to inform guests a guest did it, and it was an accident… as opposed to when doors get shattered on purpose.
The Serene Lobby is full of battered furniture that may have been from an outer space bordello. Oh, and a lot of cables.
The Serene Hotel invites guests with a decadent, lovely balcony that has been swept at least once in the last decade.
No resort is complete without its own spa. The Serene’s was closed, but we can only imagine it is as beautiful and relaxing as its exterior.
This broken lightpost at the Serene seems to be representative of the maintenance at the hotel.
There are a handful of filthy cabanas at the Serene’s pool for those wanting to elevate their experience or do the things they are forbidden from doing in the pool.
We could not abide by all of the Serene’s rules at their not-very-clean pool. Some, yes, but not all.
When you walk up to your room at the Serene, you immediately know what you’re getting yourself into.
The room at the Serene looked much nicer than the rest of the property, and included fluffy towels with the name Serene embroidered in them. It’s as though someone once dreamed the Serene would be better, and then gave up. Sort of like our parents did with us.
The Serene is so focused on conservation that it has pioneered innovative new uses for old bandaids.
The Silver Sevens
The Silver Sevens has an inviting pool in its courtyard.
The rest of the room at the Silver Sevens was nicer than the door, which has seen more abuse than the latex gloves in Mr. Randy Shandis’s office.
A Silver Sevens room will make the average traveling salesman feel right at home, but it won’t make you feel like you’re on a Vegas vacation.
The bathroom in a Silver Sevens room. Elevated motel quality.
The Silver Sevens provides an adequate array of amenities, but nothing like you get at the Ahern or Fontainebleau.
Fontainebleau
Who works in that office building? Nobody! That’s the Fontainebleau, and there are jerkoffs wearing robes on every floor.
While the hotel is a delightful stay, the Fontainebleau’s casino is sterile and dead.
You could drive a Plymouth down the wide, pleasant-smelling halls of the Fontainebleau.
Burt picked up the ringing phone in the elevator lobby on our floor… and he got some bad news.
After Matt opened the electric curtains, we enjoyed the view from our Fontainebleau Room. Then Matt closed the curtains. And opened them again, then closed them, then opened them again.
The bathroom at the Fontainebleau was so big it allowed for noisy sessions that a roommate wouldn’t hear.
Dan didn’t have time to fill the deep soaking tub at the Fontainbleau, and yet he still managed to enjoy some quality time in it.
Matt gives an impromptu art history lesson at the Fontainebleau while wearing nothing but a decadent robe.
Eating/Drinking/Gambling
Even the generic interior of Club Fortune North can’t tame the wild excitement of Caveman Keno!
Club Fortune North doesn’t have much to offer, except a cheap and decent scoop of ice cream at the dull Baskets snack bar.
Matt was thrilled to see the slot machine that memorializes the greatest TV show of all time (Survivor) did as its namesake and survived the closure of Poker Palace and opening of Club Fortune North. We have no idea what happened to the fish in the old aquarium, though.
Recent monsoons came from the real sky, and apparently right through the Paris Hotel’s fake sky. A cherry picker was on the casino floor while we visited to make repairs.
Great news! It looks like they’re finally making Buzzballz sized for our needs.
Nothing pairs with a Monte Cristo like champagne for two at the Jerry’s Nugget Diner. It’s as fine as dining gets.
Your pricey Italian dinner at the Bootlegger’s Bistro goes down easier thanks to the dulcet tones of a live harpist. He might take requests, but he sadly does not know “Welcome to my Castle” by the Evaporators.
The old school dining room of the Bootlegger Italian Bistro, south of the Strip on Las Vegas Boulevard.
The Rainbow Casino looked deep into our souls and then loaded the nightly prize table with our every hope and dream. Earning enough points to win one of these prizes is almost as easy as going to the Dollar General and just buying it.
Dan and Matt are looking EXTRA good after enjoying the dinner special in the Triple B Diner at the Rainbow. That’s because of all the money saved on the beef stroganoff and dry salmon.
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